News Hit

Forget the onset of acne, extreme mood swings and a strange desire to eat almost everything in sight - there is a far more reliable indication that you’re hitting puberty.

Children’s television.

If Playschool’s theme song makes you think more about intercourse (‘open wide, come inside’) than what’s under the rocket clock today, you’re doomed.

At some point, someone did their market research and realized this. I don’t think they approved, because in the years since our days of innocence many of the glorious shows we knew and loved have changed.

From the makers of Baa Baa Rainbow Sheep came Bert and Ernie’s new sleeping arrangements, and Cookie Monster’s new (and healthy) diet. Humphrey B. Bear was given a firm slap on the wrist for refusing to wear his pants, and the Teletubbies have been sent back to school to learn English… and what not to wear. Apparently society disapproves of sparkly handbags as men’s accessories, especially if people fear that young children are being indoctrinated.

Which makes you wonder why The Smurfs went under the radar.

I think even children find it strange that there was only one Smurfette in the village.

My recent introduction to Youtube’s cousin from the Red Light district - aptly named Red Tube - indicated that children aren’t the only ones questioning the Smurf lifestyle.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m anything but into this sort of thing. Until a few weeks ago, I never knew that such a site existed.

Viewing this clip was something of a challenge.

One I should have left right alone.

It all starts off rather placidly. Smurfette is enjoying a picnic with one of her Smurf friends. He starts stroking her face with a twig he’s found on the floor. I’m not exactly sure how that came about because the conversation isn’t in English, but I’m sure it was perfectly innocent - as all Smurf plotlines are.

But then Smurfette starts stroking his twig. With her mouth.

It all gets way too wrong for descriptive words after that. Suffice to say, it is human actors who depict this portrayal of grown up Smurf behaviour. They are - for the most part - painted blue. By the end of this scene though, there’s a bit of paint transfer. It brings a whole new meaning to the colloquial term, ‘blue balls’.

Apart from the fact that it is abhorrently gross to watch, it’s logical. If we assume that Smurf males wear pants for a reason - unlike our good friend Humphrey - then it’s also reasonable to assume that reproduction is an important concern for their village.

Which is when it becomes alarming that their population is so dramatically skewed in favour of the males.

There’s a bit of a brawl as another Smurf intervenes. Even Gargamel jumps in. Gargamel!

By the end of it I was traumatized. My friend had been very correct in saying that I couldn’t handle this video, because I’m still feeling sick just writing about it. Blue things make me nervous. The Smurf theme song makes me want to throw up. And don’t tap your hands together to imitate the noises in this video, because I will slap you.

Chances are, you’ll Google this.

I'm warning you, it’s a bad idea...