Lycra: the Root of all Evil?
WARNING: This article includes pictures of rather rotund people wearing lycra.
For many, going to the gym is just another tick on the ‘to do’ list. However, for those of us who know the truth, the reality is far more sinister.
Akin to an S&M fetish, many exercise enthusiasts squeeze into Lycra before they jump on the treadmill. Famous for 'innocently' accentuating the curves, Lycra has been the conventional choice in gym attire since it became popular in the 80s. Its bright colours and snappy elastic bands appealed to the very innocence it was seeking to destroy. Nowadays, it frequently appears in large-scale athletic events such as the ‘Tour de France’, in which cyclists wear entire suits made from it- skullcaps and all.
But Lycra is the root of all evil. It simultaneously reveals and squeezes the form of the wearer. The near-naked, Lycra-clad result creates opportunities for severe emotional damage - the feared camel toe and scrotum squish are both products of excessive Lycra wear. The physiological assault that occurs when one sees another Lycra wearer- especially a large, balding, extremely hairy fellow with cold, dead eyes- strikes fear into many hearts. Add a tight pair of Lycra shorts and there’s no telling what he may do.
Now add another factor to the equation - sweat.
Sure, it’s natural; we all do it. But to purposefully create and cultivate it? Such a travesty could only occur in a gym. Since the dawn of time, profuse sweating has been considered a sign of worry or stress; for example, if there was a large and dangerous carnivore near. Nowadays, personal trainers - also known as torture enthusiasts - yell things like, “Sweat it out!”, “You know you’re really working when you sweat!” and “Go for it, sweat out that triple sundae!”
Now let us return to the image of our large, balding, hairy fellow and add the sweat. Huge beads of perspiration excreting from his pores, dribbling down the thick hairs on his back as he brushes past you on his way to the communal showers. Enough to make even the most delusional gym goer retreat? Think again.
The gym itself contains a variety of machines that look like the latest models of torture equipment. The seemingly innocent treadmill can be set to a cheetah’s pace, and any lack of concentration sees the victim fly off the revolving running mat. The worst part of this particular invention, however, is purely psychological. Ponder this… however fast you run, you will never escape.
Imagine a place that cultivated fear? That embraced self-loathing?
Turn to your local fitness centre, fed by the fear that its members may become obese without it. They flock to the machines, fueled by self-loathing and a desire to “feel the burn”. When, may I ask, did this practice become an accepted part of the daily routine?
You might say, “Well I think the gym became especially popular in the 80s”… Now what was invented in the 80s? And we see the full circle of the conspiracy.
Beware the Lycra.
